Don't Be Afraid. Just Ask.

This is personal. Not many people read my blogs so it's OK. I'm putting this out there anyway. 

I'm on a healing tour because my beloved horse Jimmy died suddenly. We were together for 24 years. I'm visiting friends and family all over the States. It's been an adventure and also recently a big learning event. 

I was in Champaign visiting my friend Janet, and she mentioned that Tom Hanks' brother is a professor there. All these years thinking that Tom might be the person who would understand this movie's potential to help and I just find this news out now? Crazy. So we went to his building and I left a note in his mailbox. It was about the movie, my mission and that I needed help. I straight out asked. I have quit being afraid. Or so I thought.

In Nashville, my friend mentioned a guy who sells typewriters and that Tom Hanks visited him. I was seeing a pattern here and thought it was a sign for me to go and meet him in person and ask (not over the phone) if he had any suggestions on how I might contact Tom. By the way, I do think typewriters are cool and had a beautiful mint condition blue Royal that was ruined in storage. I was sad. Anyways, we had a great conversation about many things including the restaurant industry. He's a very nice guy and passionate about his work, dealing in typewriters. And it was a really cool place.

I wanted to ask right away so I wasn't being weird, but as time went on, I felt more uncomfortable and nervous about asking him for help. It got to the end, and I struggled about asking, and ended up not asking but telling him about the movie. Fear. Fear stopped me. It all ended poorly. I left there with a pretty bad feeling. I felt dishonest and uncomfortable.

I sent him an email the day after to apologize and also prove that the things we did talk about were the truth. My friend suggested that I ask then. Bad move. Mistake. I should have had the guts to ask for help right away, but I didn't. Fear is a very strong emotion and I'm not used to all of this. I'm a waitress and a trucker and used to doing things on my own. I'm used to loving driving my 18 wheeler along the highway, seeing the land, meeting people and loving my life.

I didn't ask for this movie. No one has ever heard me say that I wanted to make a movie. EVER!

BUT, I KNOW I was called to make the movie. God provided EVERYTHING! Proof. One person absolutely can NOT do what I did. It was in God's strength. Period. It's His, not mine.

Last fall, I was getting everything ready to move to Vancouver Island and live a trucker type life, while still trying to get the movie remade, but Covid stopped that. I was very frustrated and angry even while loving being back on long haul. Waiting to move was ok, but I figured out that I was not doing what I know is God's will for my life. God's Will. How do I know? There's not enough space here to explain how I know.

Right before I started to write this down here, funny enough, my buddy from High School, with whom I was reconnected when the movie came out years ago, said that I have always been clear on God's call for my life. I didn't know it showed. Jim knows all about the remake idea. I thanked him for his perfect timing because I've been upset since yesterday when I read Kirk the typewriter man's email. 

A couple of nights before, I sent a very short (I knew he hated me) email to apologize AGAIN. He sent me a very long email about how I was selfish, acted covertly, tried to use him for my own good (getting into the movie biz I'm guessing), and lots more. Also how I don't understand famous people and their lives and so forth. I had no idea that I had done all these things. I just knew I really screwed up and something wasn't right. It was the first time in my entire life anyone has said anything this scathing and hurtful, and he was totally wrong about me. 

I returned an email and even asked for forgiveness AGAIN, along with knowing that I screwed up and that from his perspective, I did appear to be these things and I deserved to be beat up. I also put insight into my mission to help him understand this mess. Unfortunately, I doubt he'll read it or ever believe anything I say.  

But I do understand about famous people. Their lives are terrible in my opinion. They lose their lives to the world. Especially the really famous ones. No time to be just who they are. In public anyway. I would never want to be famous. I like my life just the way it is. I have friends all over the world. Real friends, not FB "friends". I'm 'famous' enough thank you very much.

Now I have come to realize that I need to let it all go, upsetting as his harsh words were. He completely misjudged me. He has NO IDEA of what I am all about. He thought I was a person who wants fame, fortune and whatever else goes with it and lots of other ideas of who I am. But he's wrong, and it's all because I was afraid and nervous. I forgot to remember to do this poster's message...(The poster I carried in my car on the whole tour!)

The truth is that my struggle with following God's path for me is because it's NOT what I want. Anyone who knows me knows that. Leave me alone God! I've said it many times. I LOVE trucking. Go away. I made the movie as you wanted. I'm done!

Apparently not. I've spent 18 years on this movie, all my retirement funds at the time--I'm fine now (and it's never been about money for me-- never made one single penny on the movie) and I even moved to Vancouver (alias Nineveh) to try to get connections for a remake, which is the path I ended up on. Why a remake? Because people keep saying how it needs to be out in the "regular" world. IT'S ALREADY BEEN SEEN IN EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD ON THE INTERNET!!! Isn't that enough?!?

I sound angry. I am. Just when I've recommitted to the movie... I'm angry at myself for being such a chicken, which made me appear deceitful and manipulative, and I'm a bit angry at Kirk. His reaction was very very strong (and rightfully so IF I was that type of person), but he had no room for understanding. I apologized twice and he still raked me over the coals. I made a big mistake out of fear. His perspective was only that I "tried to use me so that you could use Tom to get what you want". I get it from his view, but it's wrong. Besides, I already have what I want.

He doesn't know me or my life or the truth and passion of my mission. He just sees what he knows and has experienced, and maybe I was a trigger of some sort. He doesn't know that I'd give the movie away to the right people, to get it remade. Mr. Hanks keeps popping up. In North Carolina, my restaurant pal of over 20 years and I went by the part of the park trail where "Forrest Gump ran". Really?? C'mon! Kirk doesn't know why I made the movie in the first place--to help people understand what we in the restaurant industry are really like, and quit judging us and treating us as less than we are. He doesn't know that I put my entire life into this mission that I never ever wanted. And, he doesn't know that I have given up the fight.

Last night, because I was upset, I watched Milton's Secret . A movie based on Eckhart Tolle's teachings on controlling your emotions and thoughts. Great stuff and free! They were giving it away. At the end they were selling a package with tools to help you learn the teachings. Good movie... with a lure. I just now discovered that it was released in 2016! WOW. Thought it was new!

I've been giving the movie away since 2008. It's free all over the internet. No lure. No sales pitch, no nothing. Just a desire to help people understand and be entertained at the same time. It has helped people. I've been told. Now, I want to get the movie remade because I know it will help even more people. And perhaps in ways I didn't even know about. I've heard that before and was surprised. THAT was my desire. It was not to get into the movie biz--which is why I didn't really try film festivals. Those are for FILMMAKERS! I am a waitress. A waitress and a trucker, and I love them both.

I'm done. But one more thing. One lesson I've learned here is: just ask. Don't be afraid. What's gonna happen? Who knows. Who cares? Another lesson is: when I ask, do it boldly and confidently. I know what I'm supposed to be doing. I know my motives, and who cares what other people think. I don't anymore after this because they might be terribly wrong. But at the same time, don't be such a chicken!! There's only one Person who matters. My success is that when I stand in front of God, I want to hear, "Well done good and faithful servant." And THAT'S why I'm not going to quit or let something like what happened in Nashville destroy my desire to help others by doing the will of God. 

That's it.

Or maybe not. Since I wrote this, I keep thinking about and losing sleep over this whole mess. Last night (a few days after I first published this), I figured out why it's bothering me so much. Yes, I felt bad during and right after the event because I knew I messed up and felt dishonest and all those bad feelings, but not as bad as I felt after getting his email. 

Now I know why. He said, "covertly and ploy". It was my intention to meet him and ask him if he could help and I chickened out. (And I'm sorry if I like typewriters in the mean time.) IF I had intended to act covertly and have a ploy, and use him, I wouldn't feel bad at all. But I do. And, it has bothered me long enough. I have learned a big lesson as stated above and now I have to let it go. Just as in waitressing, you can't solve every problem and people are going to take the ONE mistake you make and erase everything else. No more fear. It gets me in trouble.